Lately, I have not been in a good place.
It’s been a busy summer – a fortnight in the Lake District, a couple of days in Brittany, some volunteering, building an office with my pals (power tools!), going bouldering, helping Lauren move house, going to a wedding, seeing my niblings, going to Pride for the first time… I read some books, not as many as I expected to, but some. I fell in a bog in the Lake District, which was hilarious at the time but became rapidly less-so as I realised I’d actually done some damage, resulting in two days off work, a lot of painkillers, multiple trips to my amazing osteopath, and walking like a duck. I’m on the mend, but it’s shaken me. My mood has plummetted over the last week or so and refused to lift, especially when I then dropped my phone in the toilet and was furious with myself about it, on top of everything else. I’ve got a busy time coming up and I really need to be well for it. I’ve had to cancel plans and miss out on things I wanted to do, and all this has coincided with the weather shifting from summer to autumn. It’s been hard.
I bought Rain: Four walks in the English weather for my mum a couple of years ago. I’ve followed Melissa on twitter for years, and I knew mum would enjoy it. I was right: she dipped in and out of it over a while, and often paused to tell me about it. She gave it to me and it sat on my shelf for a while, waiting for the right time. I found it: Friday was gloomy, I was in not-inconsiderable pain, and I had dropped my phone down the toilet the day before so was generally feeling pretty sorry for myself, and I needed a small book for my commute. Rain was the perfect choice: it lifted my mood, got me out of myself and thinking about something else, thinking about being somewhere else, about what it would be like when I could do things again. The way Melissa writes makes me feel like I, too, have been where she’s walking (I haven’t), and stirs memories of familiar places, places I have walked and would like to walk. I felt soothed and safe and managed to focus for the first time in several days.
I love walking, but I don’t like rain. I’m getting better at it – I have better clothes for being outdoors in, and am, as I get older, becoming more zen about getting grubby hands which is a real problem in a wet city – but nothing seems to be able to shake the change in my mood on a grey day. It’s not downpours or storms that bother me – I enjoy them, providing I don’t have to go out in them – but drizzle, or the kind of rain that isn’t heavy but just doesn’t stop, the lack of light in the sky. It makes me feel sad. I want to be happier about rain, to be one of those people who genuinely doesn’t mind – two of my friends in particular make me want to be more like that. But I’m learning, slowly, that the sad feeling isn’t always as bad if I just get outside in it, wrapped up in something waterproof and with somewhere to walk to.
On Saturday, I was extremely melancholy. It was grey and gloomy, and my family were out for much of the day so I was alone a lot. I had an epsom salts bath and listened to a podcast but I couldn’t settle to anything. It wasn’t until the sun came out after a downpour that I realised that maybe I needed to go outside. My local park is a bit too bleak for times like that, but the cemetery is perfect. It helped. I wandered, and found treasure, and listened to the birds, and breathed, and felt better for it. I then almost got locked in, but never mind. Then, yesterday, I felt even worse, so I took myself to the cemetery again. I found a patch of dry path and laid down under a tree in the sun, and listened to the quiet sounds around me, and it helped. Self care, for me, isn’t about buying new socks or having a cake, it’s about doing the things I need to do – like tidying up, or cancelling plans because I’m in pain, or dragging my sorry self outdoors. It doesn’t always work, and it’s only a short term fix, but it’s worth a try.
Luckily for me, the first two weeks of October will force my hand – I’m going to be staying at my Nan’s, looking after my auntie’s massive dog, while my Nan and auntie are on holiday. I’ll have to go out for a decent walk every day, because Keera will need it, regardless of wind or rain or feeling tired. I’ll just have to learn.
Yes to all of this. Rain (the book not the wet stuff, although that can be sometimes too) is a joy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The book is gorgeous, and I’m starting to learn that the wet stuff has positives beyond sounding nice on a tin roof!
LikeLike